Assault rifles, crazy people, and the constitution

Sit down, kids. We're going to have a little lesson about "assault rifles." And crazy people. And the constitution.

First, the assault rifles. 

If you think being scary/cool looking makes a gun an assault rifle, you're an idiot. If you think a gun's cosmetic features somehow make it more dangerous than a regular wood-stock rifle with the same features, I'm surprised you can tie your own shoes.

Military-style assault weapons have one big difference from civilian rifles. They have a fully automatic or burst-fire feature. Civilian hunting rifles, even the AR-15 and the .223 used at Sandy Hook, have no automatic or burst feature. They are no different than a hand-gun. Hell, they both fire 5.56 mm rounds (not interchangeable but the rounds are roughly the same), which are smaller than some handgun rounds.

Banning cosmetically threatening-looking guns will not solve the problem that has settled on our fair country. People will just use other guns. Then, when you ban those guns, they will use the shit under their kitchen sink and make gas bombs or explosives to kill people. Or they'll buy a 6 dollar bottle of booze at the liquor store and make a Molotov cocktail. Or whackos will run into movie theaters with machetes and swords and start hacking people.

It's not the guns. Crazy people are crazy people, and if they want to commit mass murder they will find a way to do so whether they have guns or not. Crazy people do not see "gun-free zone" signs, or at least they don't obey them. Neither do criminals. It's an old one, but that doesn't make it less true: take away guns from law-abiding citizens, and the only ones that will have guns are the criminals. 

CRIMINALS. DO NOT. OBEY. LAWS. Legislating guns will not solve this problem!

Additionally, the 2nd amendment guarantees each and every law-abiding American citizen the right to bear arms. Why? So that some day, when our government finally becomes so corrupt and disgusting that the people can't stand it anymore, the people can arm themselves and revolt. Is that going to happen soon? Probably not. But it could happen someday, and I'd rather that the military and the police aren't the only ones with guns when it does.

So, in closing, let's take a long look at mental healthcare in this country and stop worrying about the millions of gun owners in this country who have owned guns for years and never committed mass murder.

The Top Five Reasons Why You Shouldn't Post About Politics on Your Favorite Social Networks

It's the day after Election Day, and we're all a little butt-hurt.  Even if your favored candidate won, you're still a little butt-hurt.  Why?  Possibly because you blacked out from that electoral vote drinking game you invented, or possibly because you made the dumb-ass mistake of logging into your favorite social network on a day like Election Day.  Bad move, buddy.  Bad move.

1.  Let’s face it, if you have a Facebook, there are between 20-100 people on your friends list that you don’t even like.  Like that guy from high school that used to whip your ass with a wet towel after gym class, but added you three years after graduation and then never acknowledged it when you accepted.  Even though you added that guy so you could see just how badly he’s failing at life, that guy doesn't really like you either.  And all those people that don’t like you are going to find any reason they can to tear you a new one.  And after you work your way through their badly spelled post and discern its message, I bet you’ll feel that wet towel just cracking you on the ass all over again.

2.  On Facebook we all have a few people, and on Twitter some of us have hundreds, who we don’t know at all.  Posting about politics on a social network opens the door for that crazy guy who lives in his mom’s basement and who graduated with your third cousin back in 1992 to tell you what a douche you are, and how he doesn’t even know you anymore, and how his hamster said you’re the devil.  Then there’s always the chance he’ll show up at your house.  With a chainsaw.

3.  There are going to be a few people that you actually care about (most of us have at least 5 out of several hundred contacts) on your social network friend list.  Half of those people love you unconditionally.  The other half are waiting to pounce like a rabid bobcat the second you say something they don’t like.  You hang out, you bar hop together, you pick up chicks/dudes together, you tell each other all your secrets and give each other advice.  Then you post about politics and your bestie is angrily commenting on the status and telling you how stupid you are.  Then you post back, and they post back, and you post back again, and suddenly all those secrets you told said bestie are known to the whole world.  Don’t you wish you’d just complained about Disney buying LucasArts some more instead?

4. Let’s be honest.  You aren’t going to change anyone’s mind.  Nobody ever changed their political stance over a 140 character tweet, and nobody reads those long Facebook statuses you write anyway.  By getting up on a soap box and preaching your political views, all you are doing is wasting your time.  You’ll get a dozen comments telling you that you’re right, half a dozen telling you that you’re a dick, and everyone walks away thinking the same things they were thinking before you posted. 

5. The solution is clear.  We all need to get out more.  Next Election Day, let’s not spend 14 hours cussing out our loved ones (and that weird guy who added you that you don’t know, but always comments on your cleavage pictures) on our favorite social network.  Let’s go to the bar and watch the results come in on TV while we get piss-hammered like our parents used to do.